Kyunki...

Continuing with Ratlam Diaries

The objective of the trip was to study television consumption patterns. I went there to know what it was, that drove Indian women to watch the same old serials, which were clones of each other, with similar plots and characters, for years and years.
There was a Kyunki, there is a Balika Vadhu, there is a Bidaai. These three shows are the most popular shows on Television, with Kyunki ending its long 8 yr stint recently.

But I ended up being glad these serials existed.
Here's why.

Part 6: The Anonymous

Q: What are you?
A: Marwari, Jain, 30Yrs Old, Daughter of a trader, Wife of a Shop Owner, Mother of 2 sons, Bahu of Shri XYZ, also a trader.

Identity is hard to find in Indian women. Its hidden away under the thick layers of various roles she plays in other people's lives. Very little of her, after the age of 20, is about only her. Articulation of feelings, thoughts, ideologies are all governed by these roles, and the settings.The way they dress; the way they speak; who they speak to, who they don't; what they speak and what they don't; what they study, how much they study, where they study...

It seems like a different world.
I tried to imagine, if 10 years ago, I had been told that I can't wear my comfortable t-shirt and jeans, can't stay out of home after 8, can't speak to boys, can't go out of home town to study, can't study after graduation because it would be difficult to get me married off, etc etc.
I wouldn't have managed to become half the person I am today. I like what I am, and I realised, it's got a lot to do with the immense freedom Ive been given. Most of Indian women aren't that lucky.

Leaving out the extremely suppressed situations,
Even those of us who claim to be open minded, are comfortable with our contradictions and double standards.
We believe in educating our daughters, but not too much. We are ready to consent to a inter-caste marriage, but not an inter-religious one.
I'm sure strong logical reasoning are given to support these contradictions.
Simply, to us, Freedom comes with clauses.

In the middle of one of the research discussions, one respondent, Neeta, asked us, where we were from and what we had studied.
When we told her we have come from Mumbai and are MBAs, her face lit up. She suddenly had no interest in talking about her life. She wanted to us to give her career advise. When we promised we would gladly talk to her after the group, she reluctantly agreed to go on with her responses.

Part 7: Balika Vadhu

We were talking about the show called Balika Vadhu. Its a show about child marriage set in a traditional Rajasthani set up. Its a rage on Television.
Neeta had heard about Child Marriage. She said its practiced among some of her relatives, those who live in villages. She tells us, Ratlam is a town, its much better than the villages. There are only 2 colleges in this town for graduation, and only one of them is good, with functioning faculty. Neeta is currently in her 2nd yr of graduation. She wants to study computers and wants to do an MBA. She wants to earn money to help her dad with his loans. She would have to travel to Indore for that(4 hrs away by road). Her parents have asked refused. They say Indore is too far and risky. They'll have trouble getting her married off, if she studies in a city. She said, rather apologetically, that she was the elder child, younger brother is only 10 now.
She carried a mobile phone, all her friends did too, apparantly. But they hide it in the bags. If they are seen talking on phone too much or seen giving it too much importance, it would mean she is a 'vaisi wali ladki'. A phone is supposed to be for emergencies, not to chat with people, she told us.

Though she was not married off at 10, she still identified with the lead character, Anandi (the 10 yr old bride on the show). She identifies with the suffocation, the continuous monitoring; the lack of freedom to do what one wants.
She said, the reason why so many people like the show is not because it showcases, albeit in an extreme situation, a very common social issue among women, Suppression.
She claimed suppression exists in varying levels everywhere for women, even in a big city like Indore, hence, every one likes the show.

She says she uses this serial to communicate. She makes sure her dad and mom watch this serial.She waits for the end titles, because they always end the show with a provocative question, which she always wanted to ask them.
This serial for her, then provides her with a companion, the one she meets every day at 8 PM. It also acts as a communication medium between her and her elders, the one that is used to ask difficult and uncomfortable questions.
Neeta ended her interview by saying, she is glad the show is on, she would miss it terribly if it went off air.

Part 8: Kyunki...

Hum Log & Buniyaad - Kyunki - Bidaai - Balika Vadhu.
Middle Class economics and values - Politics of home - Complexion and wedding matches - Suppression of freedom.
Thats why they work. Because they connect, they communicate for the audience, with the audience.

Kyunki, was big for a reason.
When Kyunki started, it was the story of a middle class girl marrying into a rich household. The story was about the life of a typical Indian bahu, surrounded by in laws who are hungry for power and authority. The fact that after about 2 years of its start, the show lost the plot and gave in to extreme melodrama, is another issue.
It was not the best show ever made, but it was an attempt, voluntary or by chance, to put up a mirror in front of us as a society. It questioned the automatically assumed power of the in-laws over the Bahu. It posed an uncomfortable question : who wins when the 'Right' is against the 'Powerful'. It shook a lot of things that were taken for granted in Indian families.

As it progressed, it also gave a sense of immense power to women. Women were doing everything in the show. Women portrayed the good, the bad and the ugly. Women kept the household united, faced challenges for the family, took decisions, did everything, while the men of the house did little on the show.

It made people connect, get involved and feel for the Tulsi, as she went about saving her family over and over again. Women spoke of Tulsi, as if she were a friend; some who met them everyday. I remember my grandmother sitting in front of the TV and giving Tulsi advice on how to deal with situations, also always trying to inform Tulsi of the evil plans of Mandira, and then complaining aloud that Tulsi is making a mistake by not listening to her. For my grandmother, and many women, Tulsi was real.

Its extremely fashionable to dis these soaps. Every one does it, for the right reasons too. But those who dis these soaps, the elite, educated, some what liberated citizens are not the audiences. But the rest of India surely is.

I hope serials go on and continue to be the support system, the companions, the friends, and the spokespersons. We don't have politicians worthy of challenging and changing the social situations. I am glad we at least have Television Characters.

Business sense continues to support these shows. Bottom of pyramids and all that jazz.
So like it or not, these shows shall go on.

Being Single

Red Wine, Jazz & Romance. Excitement. Companionship.
Vs
Whiskey, Rock & books. Routine. Narcissistic existence.
An age old argument, I think it’s totally pointless though. There is no real contest between which life is better.If the hangovers from previous relationships, and anxiety about sudden changes were to be kept aside, I bet most people I know would any day prefer to be in love. So do I.
The point of concern, however, is when singledom is forced upon you, due to lack of choice, what do you do?
Here’s a redundant analysis of the situation faced by me and many of my single friends.
Given that you want to, how do you get out of the situation (Singledom)? Yes... by finding some one. But how does that happen? By keeping eyes open and looking at every single person around you with a magnifying glass? That seems highly unromantic.. isn't it supposed to be spontaneous? Whatever it is, it just seems unnatural.
Compared to7-8 years ago, scripting brand new stories from scratch seem less probable today.Teenage has gone past. I guess with age, comes experience, and with it, wisdom. And wisdom breeds fear.
There are too many self created conditions, constraints, barriers. It’s become more of a convenience deal. Everything has to fall in to the set criteria; Age, geography, mindset, frequency, eating habits and favorite TV shows. The idea of romance seems to have been crushed by cynicism. It was so much easier to fall in love when we were 18. Boy! Did I compromise on my ‘criteria’ then!
Now, after taking some hits, some extremely painful ones at that, the whole condition of being in love seems, like it invites vulnerability. It's definitely not an encouraging sign. Your history comes and stares at you in the face every time the thought crosses the mind.
I am not cynical. Not entirely. Not yet. But I see this definite change. Forget the part about asking some one out, the whole process of convincing yourself about your interest in some one is stressful. Everything has to be perfect even before you find out that person’s interest in you.

To add to the trauma of all this internal complicated thought process, are the committed friends and relatives.Its not that you go green when you see a couple, you really are fine with your life and you are quite indifferent to theirs. You really don’t care how they are perfect for each other or are a disaster together. Either ways, you just take it as a fact of their lives and unfortunately yours too.Singledom, on the other hand, is often seen by these committed friends as some sort of an ugly disease. The disease that needs urgent prescription from those blessed souls who have nailed this thing called life, by being in a relationship, however good/bad it might be.
I really have nothing against being around couples. But I do get annoyed with those of them who constantly prick you with the ‘Hehe loser! You are single, we are not’ type of look in their eyes.
Their behaviour is quite stunning. Combined with that look, there are classic statements made on a regular basis:
‘You are hot only. You are smart also, can’t understand why you are still single’ –
A lot of times, this, sounds to you like:
‘You are decent looking, you have managed to pass PG, and even then, no one is asking you out, what’s wrong with you? Must be something really terrible that would put off people – body odour, acne, fat, god knows what else’.

What this does is, makes a supposedly innocent sounding compliment turn into a pathetic mystery, for which the friend pities you.

It seems then that, it’s not about finding a match anymore, it’s about being chosen by some generous god, who would be willing to date you..yes in spite of you being YOU. Its about seducing the Mr. Perfect, there are so many of them running around no?
Retorts like the following pop in my head immediately:
“Thank you for recognizing my hotness and smartness, but don't you think you are forgeting on little detail? It’s not enough that I am ‘good enough’; I would need to find some one who is ‘good enough’ too."

Most of the times, life goes easy. You don’t want to take this painful conversation any further, so you smile and let it be. You pretend like it indeed was a compliment, you don’t respond at all and all is well.

And you get back to the comfortable state of being 'single and happy about it'.